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Monday, October 1, 2007

Mental Health testing by SSI

Mental Health testing by SSI;
I was worried how this might end up or should I say start up. The Social Security Department sent ME a letter stating that I needed to be evaluated mentally, I don't understand why, but it would be good towards my settling case with Workers’ Comp. I was sad upon arrival, I wanted to act angry, but sadness took over ME.
The questions that the Doctor asked toward the end sadden ME even more, talking about suicidal ideas, I cant say I never thought of them, but I keep thinking of my kids and how they would handle it. I know I wouldn't want that to happen to my parent. But sometimes I wonder if life for them would be more simple without me involved. How long would they grieve over me being out of their lives, the way my life is now, in shambles, losing my job, cell phone, car, and a place to live is pretty bad.
But life goes on each day, wondering what tomorrow will bring ME. I don't really do anything everyday, I just hang out, on the computer. I feel worthless because I cant do much of anything that anyone has asked of ME, because of my injury. I think this has led to be a snowball effect, its bottled up inside of me way to long, and ready to explode.
I keep wanting to just stay numb, not to feel anything, and I’m not just talking about the chronic pain I have, its just life in general. I once had a job that I enjoyed and now I am homeless, “don't pity me“, I am just wanting to be heard, or just venting out and you don't have to continue reading, just click the page a disappear.
The Workers’ Comp. has ruined my life, or maybe it was Interim Health care, that allowed ME to work short staffed on a busy day, actually it wasn't even busy but we were short staffed still.
So, BlaH, bLaH, Blah !!! I scream and shout but it doesn't make any difference, no one really hears ME. I must have a silent scream, or maybe I’m dreaming and haven't woke up, either way, its upsetting, the whole thing is a circus, no one communicates with no one in this crappy system. Its a cycle and all everyone is interested in is themselves making money, and that's the key point ! “money”. No one ever has enough and they are all just plain greedy, maybe I should become one of those and I might of made through all this. First of all, I wouldn't of cared for the patient enough to pull them up during the original injury, then I wouldn't of had the injury at the start. But that's why I loved my nursing job was to communicate with all of the residents and help them the best that I can. So now Workers’ Comp is blaming everything but the original injury, making up stories, and shoving the blame on something else.
So I lost my job, my level of concentration, my cell phones, my car and my house. Here I sit homeless, staying the night with anyone that will have ME and I feel like intruder everywhere. I just don't feel welcomed, I always get the feeling they cant wait for me to leave, I know its because of privacy and clutter and everything else. I have to pack my bags every where I go to stay the night somewhere, using their shower, eating their food and other things. I cant even explain exactly how that makes me feel, mostly sad, so what do I do about that? I grief alone trying to not others see it... I don't want others to see ME grief, cry, and then pity me, I feel enough shame as it is.
My last day working as a Nurse was Feb. 24, 2006. I miss my job and feeling great because I earned the money, but now I feel I have to use the system in order to get any money, because I cant work. Do they seriously think that I enjoy being the way that I am right now? I’ve worked hard most of my adult life time and now I cant work at all, its like taking something very important away from you that you loved, as sad as losing a loved one, divorce or right up with them.
So your wondering how much more am I going to vent, cry, scream out, just so I could just stop typing and you can go on to the next blog to read. well I think I’ve said enough for one setting, that's enough to make me puke, its just plain nauseating.

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